After reading the 3rd draft I was given some feedback for the next one:
- Still not believable: the scene with Trigg is strange, why meet about a wallet?
- Sean and Zoe seem too similar, virtually sound the same in terms of their messages.
- Put the easter eggs into the script.
- There isn't much happening. It's all one-note until the final scene. Make things tense.
I took on board the feedback: focussing mainly on the last point. This required me having to rework the whole plot and come up with some new scenes. Below is a list of all the changes I made:
- Scene with Trigg has now been removed completely. Instead he appears as only a phone call with Archie.
- A whole tension arc was created between Sean and Archie. Sean punches him and later on roughs him up. There is a scene where they are left alone together also, to create some suspense and the unsureness of whether or not Sean will do anything else to him.
- A conflict arc has been created between Sean and Zoe: He believes Perry is missing and she doesn't.
- The ending has been kept the same but there's a tense scene as Sean hunts for Archie in the woods.
The plot is the same but this time Archie's attempts come in the form of 'delusions'. What I mean by this is that things will happen that Sean reacts to but they turn out to be things only he saw or picked up on. For example scene 18 has Sean telling Zoe about the ransom they were sent. This turns out to just be a pizza leaflet and causes more conflict between them.
From Zoe's perspective: Sean is losing his mind over Perry's 'disappearance'. So much so that she eventually has had enough and leaves him.
Other changes have been the chapters. For this I am still sticking with the Easter egg where the first letter of each chapter spells out a word. This time, instead of UNREAL the word is FALSE. This was to cater for the finale that takes place in Lieafstalk Woods and the scene where Perry's body is found (Early Exit).
The last major thing that has been changed are the Easter Eggs themselves which will be a separate post (New Easter Eggs).
To be honest I really am in love with this new script. There's clear tension throughout between Sean, Zoe and Archie and there's a real sense that Sean is slowly losing his mind over the ordeal. At 35 pages it is quite long but only based on the page-a-minute rule. The first page is almost entirely description and there are lots of spaces where only single lines of action are; filling up a good portion of the page space. A fair amount of the dialogue is also quite snappy and fast paced and I estimate that the film itself will come to around 28-30 minutes.
No comments:
Post a Comment